A 20-month-old baby girl was seriously injured by being tossed from a moving vehicle because Lasasha Allen, 23, didn’t want anyone thinking she’s a liar or anything after texting the baby’s daddy that his child had had an accident. The “Bang-Up-Baby” plot was done in a bid for a little attention. Daddy was unresponsive so Allen, the mother (*cough*) of five (*gag*), took the baby and a sibling on a joyless ride with the end goal being to injure the tot. She succeeded by pushing the baby out of the car at 45 mph and waiting around for a bit before taking the child to the hospital.
Her intent was to inflict minor damage on her baby so that she would not be caught in a lie.
Obviously, Allen isn’t drinking the right stuff because Captain Morgan would never have coaxed her to drive 45 mph around some twisty rural roads, open the passenger door and pushed the baby out. Nope, he’d have just taken her out… permanently.
McDonald’s isn’t just making folks fat and diabetic, or keeping people impoverished and on various welfare programs. Oh no, these days the cretins behind the counter at the fast food joint are serving up extra special ‘sammiches’ the eaters will never forget.
A Michigan woman’s experience with the taste and texture of semen led to the firing of not one, but two McDonald’s employees. Lisa McDowell, 31, was enjoying a McChicken sandwich for lunch with her friends when she licked off an extra clump of mayonnaise on the side of the bun and immediately knew it had semen in it. “I’m not gonna lie,” McDowell said. “On Birthdays and holidays I give my man a little something extra in the bedroom, you know? So when I licked the mayo off of the bun, the texture was familiar.”
Naturally, the McDonald’s manager denied McDowell’s allegations when she complained, so McDowell contacted the local health department, who sent the “mayo” remains off for testing. The results (perhaps unsurprisingly) were positive for not 1 but 2 different types of semen. I guess the workers really do work as a team. To make matters worse, a few days later, McDowell broke out with a giant red rash on the corner of her mouth that turned into severe blisters. A doctor confirmed that she had contracted the herpes virus, which McDowell claims was a result of her tainted McChicken.
Now, I don’t think any amount of McDonald’s blood, sweat and semen money would ever make me whole (or sane) again but Captain Morgan believes that McDowell will get more than enough to make up for the new little something extra she will be giving her man in the bedroom from now on. He says that ugly little STD laden sandwich will take them both to the good life of their dreams. Godspeed then, I guess. McDonald’s will go on doing things the way they always have, hiring and serving up the same unhealthy messes. According to the manager of the McDonald’s, “We can’t always keep an eye on our employee’s conduct. We can only hope, during the interview process, that we are able to hire employees that meet our company’s standards.”
The Sunshine State keeps churning out nasty, weird crimes non-stop and this was one I can’t ever remember being reported before.
A Miami woman was repeated “dick slapped” in her face by a burglar that broke into her home around 3 am. Her father-in-law opened the door to two men holding guns and when he turned out lint filled pockets, the would-be robbers kicked in a bedroom door and woke up his daughter-in-law demanding money from her. When she, too, turned out to be penniless, one suspect reportedly whipped out his dick and started hitting her in the face with it screaming “F—-ing give me the money!”
The burglars eventually left cashless but not empty handed. The family will be needing new TVs. No police sketches have been released or I’d have posted it here.
That is all folks. The end.
It is really hard being a kid in the new Third World America. These days babies can’t trust momma’s teat. Sometimes it will kill ya.
Yadina Morales was so drunk early Saturday morning, she passed out while breastfeeding and smothered her infant.
Tulsa resident Tracy Latham ponders that question after burning down her favorite watering hole today, Daddy Dee’s Beehive Lounge.
This was originally a woman with very long, sagging breasts that painted them into wiener dogs but the Internet has scrubbed this all away except in my memories. The picture no longer shows as you can see. So I offer a younger pair of breast puppies instead. Sorry for the meager fare.
These were not the ministries I grew up with…